sniff.

I cry less then I used to when I was younger.

Now it's less then 5 tear drops. (:


My mum thinks I depend on her too much. She seeks out to punish me with words. I can't explain it. Shall I juxtapose? Don't care if it doesn't make sense.



At school I am

1. smiley


2. a leader


3. a talker


4. louddddddddd!


5. always having fun


6. very affectionate


7. basically, me:)

At home. Oh.

1. Quiet


2. distanced


3. craving for privacy


4. craving for Independence


5. feel inferior


6. can't wait for school to start.


7. wish i lived at school.

My parents will never know me until I move out of this house. Please don't get me wrong, they are great, I have a fantastic house, a fantastic life. But when things get handed to you just like that, where's the adventure? Where's the independence?

Where is the self-discovery?

I feel as if I can't show who I can be at home. Why is that, can someone tell me? Why can I never talk to anyone about it, can someone tell me? Why am I so obscure, can someone please tell me?

You know what's funny? This guilt. I won't go against my parents wishes, or do what I really want I to do because I really love them. That's why I can't discuss all this with people, I feel sucha guilt. I feel a guilt now. Sometimes I wish I'd die in this tragic and horrific way, and they'd find all the letters, poems, stories and even my blog, so they'd know how much I love them. Crazy yea? I know. I know. That's how much I think they are unaware of it.

I've sacrificed friends, I've sacrificed so much of my happyness, .a chance of finding love, creating memories because of them. And they actually think I don't care. My mum honestly thinks we're not alike. That I almost hate her. It kills me.

I'm selfish. Today is the yr 7 family mass. My sister is in yr 7 so she went and I asked my parents if they were going. And they said no, and I replied; "BUT YOU HAVE TO...YOU SHOULD BE THERE," To which they simply said; "It's okay, she's different. She's not like you. She doesn't need me."

I was astounded. What am I, needy and clingy? Am I really? Am i not independent? Have I not tried again and again to show that I am? What...just. What??! So I got angry. I told her I didn't care if parents came to my events. That that's the reason I'm not going travelling with them in the holidays. I knew at the time I should control myself, but I didn't. She called me back and she said "WHAT!" And I said "You made me sound so stupid. You hurt me." And she goes, "Ashna doesn't need me. She's different. She's not like you."

Not like you.

What am I?

So she went to drop Ashna, came back and came to my computer and said. "You are like my sister, your never happy. You have the devil inside your brain." I'm pretty sure the devil bit was metaphorical. She's not very religious. And she goes "Something broke inside me when you said you didn't care if we weren't there. There's alot of difference between you and Ashna. What does that say about you as a daughter?"

I felt so guilty. So selfish. So bad. Why do I cause people pain, why do I make my parents so upset? Why do I break their hearts so easily?

They would have been better with someone other then me. Really I'm the worst one you can have. Maybe I don't hate me maybe I do. But I definitely hate the pain I cause. I hope none of you did anything bad enough in your other life to have a kid like me in the future.

(: i'm a liar. i cry even more then i did in primary. (: