Tuesday, March 31, 2009

OH AND ALSO

AHAH
DEDICATED TO SARA AND PROF. SPLEEN

Timon: Luau! If you're hungry for a hunk of fat and juicy meat, eat my buddy Pumbaa here because he is a treat! Come on down and dine on this tasty swine, all you have to do is get in line! Are ya achin'...
Pumbaa: Yep, yep, yep!
Timon: ...for some bacon?
Pumbaa: Yep, yep, yep!
Timon: He's a big pig!
Pumbaa: Yep yep!
Timon: You could be a big pig too! Oy!

rant.raaaaaaaaaaaant.rant.

why is it that indian parties occur on the most random days of the week, and go on for hours at a time?
i'm so over my cousins wanting to take me out all the time, i wish i were one of those people who wished they had more to do.
mrgrm.
one of my friends is in like:D:D:D

so i have two tumors, one in each breast.
not cancer, *sigh of relief*
but still, a major catalyst and turning point in my life.
i may have to get them removed.

"ill show you fear in a tumor."

:\


as much as i am a talker, i am a listener.
i love listening to people express their feelings, i hate interrupting them and encouring them to go on. i love viewing how these people engage themselves to others, their reactions, their emotions.
like atm, a friend is telling me how someone has changed their perception of the world, and it's nice to hear them talk about it:)
it feels as if the books ive been reading all my life are finally occuring in reality, but at a safe distance where i don't get involved and complicated (as sappy as that sounds)

i just love hearing a story and thinking about it. :)

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The thunder doesn't scare me.

I have not stuck to my plan. At all.
I intent on failing geo tomorrow.



My friends mother may have cancer. How incredibly unfair, her aunt only recently passed away from cancer last year.
Her father may have bowel cancer.
I cried in spite of myself, this news is horrific.
Even though we don't know for certain, she mostly like does have cancer. We have reasons.
I'm not going to question why this happaned.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Well.

I don't try for school that much anymore.
MSN distracts me.
Mrgrm:
I thought I would motivate myself - TURNS OUT THAT WAS JUST SHIT.
I just - eh. Have no inspiration.
I'm not that much of an idiot anymore where I do things last minute...
well maybe.
LOL LIke for the econmics assignment I did that a week before it was due(:
And this history assignment I did over the weekend (minus the pp- BUT COME ITS A PP !)
i have to do the
ext. essay which i will do
and tomorro i will def. do geo study.
so i HAVE made an improvement.
once geo topic+history test is out of the way, i can focus on legal studies+ext.english!!
and then i will make economics notes on the weekend because i just dont understand ecnomics unless i make external notes.
on the weekend i shalll also:
+memorise ext. essay
+start religeon assignment
+be half way through my legal studies assignment!
sounds like a good plan!



and oh! tomorro i will def. volunteer to say my speech for history to get it out of the way. Bcoz I have too much shit due to worry about fucking insecurity and nervousness.



ps: i think i did something to my ankle when i fell twice on it in english.
so.fuk.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

This is it. This is my life.
Enough fooling around, I am ready. Pull my hair and pinch my leg, I am ready.
All my life, I have never believed I could be the girl who gets 99% on her HSC. WHY!!!!!!!!!
Because I have been intimidated (not intentionally) by Superior others who have achieved. So immediately I thought to assume that this person could NEVER be me. Again, WHY??!!
Because I have never believed in myself. I have been ferociously determined but never believed in myself. I've always had shadows of doubt following me, and I realise now that through everyday examples (choosing clothes, making decisions, keeping promises to myself.) How did I come about this revelation?

After talking on msn i went to hug my mu,. As I was saying goodnight and hugging her she screamed at me: "BOBBY DON'T YOU SEE THE DRESS ON THE FLOOR?" I looked at her then bowed my head and grinned. She then said "Get out of my sight." Which stung me. So i left hearing screams of "Bobby you 16 years old, can't you even see that??!".
So I went into my room, and as usual I did the 1st thing I usually do when sad- pity and feel sorry for myself and cry. My mind was telling me, "You feel lonely tonight don't you? It's okay, you're different, it's tough, I know." Then I told myself I was being ridiculous and that children around world are starving and to really get over it.

Again, I began to feel sorry for myself because I felt like the loser of the family and that I was not good enough. I felt overshadowed and I didn't feel like a leader. Then more crying. Then the word CONFRONTATION swam through my head. I'd done this before, try to become the extrovert I am after the crying and become 'stronger'. But then I remembered how dreams where a gun is pointed at you, it means confrontation and change in a positive sense. Odd. So i closed my eyes and imagined a gun barrel being pointed to my forehead by a masked stranger. However it turned into a picture where I was holding the to my own head and asking the question

WHY
. To be honest, this image was more comfortable because my fate was in my own hands, but I didn't want to end my life. My end isn't here yet, and thank God.
So it turned back into a second me holding a gun to my first me's head. So the second me asked me 'why CANT you get 99% UAI? What's stopping you, why NOT you? What makes you so different, why can't you do it?'
Sp then under the pressure of the gun, I realised I have determination but hardly believe in myself and as a result I don't motivate myself.

AND. I. SHOULD.
I WILL motivate myself from now on! So from today LETS GO TEAM DEVENISH! Just like champions train so hard and bring it all they have, that's the same way I'm going to study, practise and have a NEVER-SAY-NEVER attitude. I will arise from my old self (who felt like she could never feet an outline of herself because of a lack of substance) a champion.

Because there is nothing stopping me. No one is holding my head back, tying my hands, taping my mouth and clamping my brain.
i'D like to say something, if that's okay. Spread your wings. Take flight. Feel the rush of the wind and erratic beat of your heart. Do something to empower yourseld today, do something to empower osmeone else.
With every breath, fibre, thought, emotion and energy, I have fought you. But I weaken at one tiny touch of your spirit. It inflames away, as it burns away what traps me.
no
one
can
stop
me
now.

Friday, March 6, 2009

hello (:


i feel so sick

i hate hayfever. so i deceided to do my hair to make me feel better. (: (: (:
^^^ is the result. quite pleased actually. :)









i went with my cousins to westfields today it was so much fun. (: so many people from school were there i was quite surprised!

alot of people in year 10 we're there and i was so complacent.

i wish i had somewhere to go tonight...but i am faced with an abundunce of work unfortunately for me.

i have to start my history assignment

start my economics assignment

start my geography assignment

start my ext. assignment

i dont want to get into this.

just whatever.

why do people want to belong so much? i have no problem feeling akward. which of course contradicts itself.

you know what i hate? when people talk about 'late night' at westfields because this is how it usually goes:


person a: did you go to livoo braaa ?

me: um when?

person a: late nighttt braaaaaaa on thursdayyyy braa

me: i never go, i'm not allowed. besides i went once with family and it is too packed and it is like a social event.

person a: tfaaarrkk its the most hektik shitt outt errioneee thereeee braaa sersli you gotta come one dayy its fknn madddshittt mann


Why would you go to a shopping mall when it closes late just to hang out with your friends? Why can't you just go and hang out at friends places. I bet people only go to prove how 'madkunt' they are to each other, and to pick up other junkies. :) I can't believe i ran with a crowd like that once.

Never again. The reason why I stopped is those types of people come to depend on you too much and get needy. I can't stand needy. So I went to Europe for a month, came back and distanced myself. That's why I don'tlike going to livo, coz I know I'll see someone from my old crowd who'll come up and scream OMFFGG HAYYY WHEREE U BEEENNN YALLAAA !.


Yea watev. Moved on, grown up.


My friend was talking about an albino girl she knows. And all I thought about was what if it was the norm to be albino, but it was a deformity to have dark hair and dark eyes? Then? Then what would you do. She doesn't seem like such a freak now does she?She almost seems human now, yes?


In other news, while I was in livo I got scouted by some sort of modelling agency. Um um um ummmmmmmmmm I can't remember the name. Grrrrrrrr it reminded me of chad michael muryy. OH its called Chadwick Models. The representive was walking around, trying to scout natural modellesque people. She told me she didn't have a stall as such because she didn't want people to come to her. I didn't believe her, so she gave me her card.


I got home. researched. Smacked my head on the table over and over. I am such an idiot. Oh well it's better I didn't show interest anyway, I wouldn't have been able to model. It seems so shallow anyway. Look how my mum turned out after modelling (: She's so up herself, but she's still amazing anyway. I think I'll hide her business card otherwise my mum will make a call.
i havnt blogged for a while :) i enjoy school but i miss the closeness we had last year. we were a team you know? now we're just all...segregated. but i'm not going to complain.
:)